Words Without Walls: Writers on Addiction, Violence, and Incarceration by Sheryl St. Germain and Sarah Shotland

Genre: Nonfiction/ Fiction/ Drama Compilation
Rating: 5 Soda Caps

   "Addiction, violence, and incarceration" isn't an accurate a big enough umbrella for the array of topics covered in this series of anecdotes. From real war stories to inner war excerpts, the Words Without Walls outreach program delves into some subjects that cannot thoroughly be described by my depiction only. The rawness of these writings bores into your bones fold after fold as you press-on with each account of adversity or long-lived silence of turpitude.

     Each passage has its own set of slang and jargon from a lifetime of intertwined, diverging cultures. Drug users/abusers will know a million ways to say what fix theyre trying to score, a secret code they have to muddle under their breath in alleyways to recieve their self destruction. Others hide for a significant portion of their life. Their coveted experiences are shocking to more than just religious grandmothers.

     In all honesty, some pages left me with a feeling of disgust and concern. It's difficult to read "Words Without Walls" without feeling like someone stomped on your heart. I don't think I could read this if I had children. I worry about what the next generation is coming into. At the same time, I'm relieved that social norms on gender and sexuality are seemingly dissolving one day at a time. For the most part, the next generation is allowed to disclose who they truly are without perturbation. In the small town where I grew up, some of the most indestructible humans I know are cross-dressers, pansexuals, androgynous, or transgender. Equally so, there are straight, heterosexual supporters that leave me in awe with the way they aid those who differ from conformities of the previous generations.

     The most insufferable issues for me were suicide, eating disorders, consensual/nonconsensual rape, abuse, and alcohol abuse. For someone who has seen these, dealt with these, and pushed them away, it is grueling to turn the other cheek to adversaries and enablers. As for addiction, I yearn to help all that forfeit their life over to an uncontrollable life, giving into whatever gets them by. There is numbing and euphoria on the other side, sure, but it's never enough when you give in to self destructive thoughts.

     "Words Without Walls" is all about new beginnings. It's about the past, where it
led to, and what you chose to do about it. Take it with a grain of salt, but leave it knowing what you can have in the future if you hold your head up. It is not fear, but the knowing from another's experience that makes us stronger. When I read this book. I thought of all the stories my mother told me as a kid -- ones to make me cautious about my surroundings -- and how they made me who I am today. Learning vicariously through my mother's affairs has prepared me for trials I couldn't have even fathomed. If you should read this book, I hope you can keep a similar sensitivity in mind and gain fortitude from its prose.

Lolita by Vladimir Nobakov

Genre: Classic Fiction
Rating: 5 Soda Caps

     Lolita, a well-known 1950's classic, written by Vladimir Nabokov was and still is a very controversial book. It leaves out a lot of the overtly sexual details so it's not too explicit, but the reader can only assume the extent that this "fictional" story goes to. Some people believe that Nabokov was reinventing a case from the time of a young girl who was held hostage by a man who used her for sexual acts as he carted her around from hotel to hotel.

     Though perverse, I must admit this book is my absolute favorite. The outrageous affair that could never be, mixed with a drug or 2, is wrong on various levels. Regardless, this is the most precisely planned and exquisitely descriptive book I have ever read. It's chocked full of imagery, foreshadowing, psychological depth, and just the right amount of disgusting borderline cunning to make it famous for a lifetime. Every moment with this book made my heart burn for obsessive loveand the horrid monsters it can turn humans into. It reminded me
of In Cold Blood by Truman Capote in that the way Truman Capote defends one of the murderers. This is the same way Humbert sees himself. He acts as a mere victim to his temptation, little Lolita.

* Spoiler Alert *

     In the first half of Lolita, Nabokov starts by giving a very drawn-out but very deep reeling of "Humbert Humbert's" before-Lolita days. The way he scopes out child-like call girls while detesting their every womanly feature, blaming his past with a girl child and human traffickers for his own falters, is exactly how I imagine a person in HH's state of being would act. Along with the violent thoughts towards Valeria and complaints of suffering through it, Nabokov created the suspense of what HH could do to others in an ironic kind of way, where the reader doesn't trust HH to tell the truth about his past.

     Throughout the story, HH sees himself as sly (which is also questioned due to his state of mind) like how he thinks Lo's mother doesn't notice when he's suddenly eager to live with her because he sees Dolores (aka Lo or Lolita), "the fire of his loins". HH tells us how he plays the coy father role and - again because his perception is off - the reader can only assume Lo and her mother might notice his desires for Lo (hence, Lo's acts of "seducing" and her mother's attempts to lead him astray with marriage and religion, her extreme jealousy, and finally her invasion of his personal things). Another ti bit of the story that might have been tampered with is Lo's mother's death. HH said he had nothing to do with it - a mere timely coincidence - but there's no way of knowing for sure.

     This then leads to his skillful plan - executed quite perfectly in his mind. He takes his Lolita, commits an act of unforgivable measure, and gives every excuse to persuade the reader that it was the right thing to do; all the while, he is terrified someone will find out his secret and have him locked away, far from sweet little girls. In the days of their travel, his "lover" that he says he cares so much for is extremely unhappy so he's constantly afraid that she'll run away. There's no doubt that these feelings are simply selfish even when he swears he just wants what's best for Lolita. The things that fuel his anger revolve around jealousy, losing his little slave, and Lo not obeying. She is depicted as a cure with the horrible side effect of not wanting to give up what HH so profusely desires. Despite the fact that HH presumes a father-like role in public and is perceived as protective, it isn't the sort of protection that's in Lo's best interest; her protection is merely his best interest - if you can even call what he does "protection", since he is also the abuser.

     Lo's disappearance really throws HH out of sorts because he has then lost his greatest muse, the one he had strived for all his life. He had even had this revolting plan to impregnate her in order to fondle the - hopefully female - child. The reader is then entertained by his animalistic spout of incomprehensible insanity as he tries to locate his prized possession. Then, the story halts soon after, when he's given the impression that she's gone forever. For a while, he relays on a relationship with a small drunken woman for his writings. It isn't until long after HH stopped tracking her that Lo makes her location known by asking her "father" for financial aid. Quite fittingly, his first reaction is to shoot someone. The man goes into another crazed, adrenaline-fueled rampage, leaving his little girlfriend behind, and wielding a gun. The reader is then put through the suspense of wondering HH's next move. Will he shoot the girl, her lover, their possible child, or someone he hardly knows? Will he take back Lo or kidnap her first born? Who will he blame when all is said and done?

     The fight that breaks out and the story behind all of it completely blew me away. Nabokov's expertise at foreshadowing and side plots is beyond clever. Even though there is an unearthing controversy to draw the reader in after all these years, the most shocking aspect of the book is the storyline, the word choice, and how realistic Mr. Humbert - the insane and cocky yet fiercely paranoid, Mr. Humbert - seems. I'd gladly read this book again and again.